I’m going to sit on your chest and ram my ovum depositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest! But, heh-heh, I’m not an alien!

Posted by E-George on March 6, 2008

I went to see a midwife on Tuesday and we are on the actual, irreversible path of having a baby, with a predicted blastoff of September 30.  Here are some answers to some commong questions I’ve already been asked:

1.  Are you going to find out what it is?
   No. It’s one of life’s few mysteries left (besides a complete catalog of species living under the arctic shelf) so I feel no need to ruin the surprise.
2. When is your first ultrasound/sonogram?
   Never, if we can manage it. While I don’t have any personal prejudice against ultrasounds, and I certainly down look down my nose at anyone who gets one (or several), I’m just not interested in subjecting my baby to it. Same goes for the use of doplar to find the baby’s heartbeat. Just because one CAN do these things, it doesn’t necessarily follow that one MUST do those things.
3. What if something’s wrong? Wouldn’t you feel bad if you could’ve prevented something with an ultrasound?
   I’m seeing a very skilled midwife who has been providing prenatal care and attending births since 1981. If she feels it is necessary to get an ultrasound, then I’ll trust her judgment and capitulate. However, if there’s no indication that there’s a problem then I’m not going to. Plus, I’ve heard enough horror stories about technicians mis-reading ultrasounds and scaring the ever-living bejeezus out of the parents only to be completely WRONG that I am dubiously credulous of the process’s viability.
4. Have you picked out a nursery theme yet?
   No. Now, ask if I plan to.
5. Do you plan to?
   No. Infants and nurseries are very temporary situations, so I don’t see a lot of benefit spending a lot of time or money thematically decorating a nursery. My only weakness is dinosaurs. And not those stupid baby dinosaurs in pastel colors and sappy expressions, but those carnivorous Jurassic mutha-effahs. That hardly makes for a relaxing nursery theme, so we’re just skipping it. I do plan to replace a window shade with one that’s not sunscorched, and I do plan to paint the room to freshen it up some. I’ll put bumpers in the crib so the kid’s head won’t get bruised or, God forbid, stuck between the bars. I might even go so far as to hang a piece of artwork. But, that’s probably it.
6. What are you planning to do after the baby comes?
   Keep it. Feed it. Love it. And call it George.
7. Have you picked out names?
   Yes, but those are for us to know and you to be surprised (and probably critical) about. Suffice to say, we’ll be using family names. For now, we’re referring to the kumquat-sized bundle of motion-sickness-inducing joy as MiniSack.
8. Are the grandparent’s excited?
   Naturally. In fact, my mother cried, which surprised me some because this baby will be her fifth grandchild, and since she has 3 grandsons and one granddaughter, it’s not like I could bring anything unique to the fold. Unless I give birth to some sort of man-bat.
9. Are you excited?
   Of course. I’m not a gusher - never have been. Plus, once I stop with this morning sickness/all-damn-day-long sickness I think I’ll be able to effuse at greater quantities to appropriately meet expectation. Right now, it’s a battle between fatigue, dry heaves, and trips to the bathroom intermingled with full-time work. So, yes. I’m excited. But, I’m not so self-centric to believe that absolutely everyone I come across is as interested in my knocked-up-edness as I am.

So, that’s my story. Our lives are going to change forever. The world will soon be host to a combination Matthew-Elisa person, and that only has the explosive potential for true awesomeness. All we can hope for is that it looks more like Matthew than me, but perhaps has my sense of humor.

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