Modern feminism reborn?
Posted by E-George on August 5, 2008
I wonder if Gloria Steinem could have seen this coming, 30+ years after crusading against it. It’s a CNN article about a new, and growing, niche of women who are stay-at-home wives. Wives, not mothers. These are women who have the option to and have chosen to stay at home and care for the house while their husbands work, even though they do not have children. Here’s what I think: Good. For. Them. In fact, BRAVO, ladies.
It never occurred to me, prior to getting pregnant, to stay home. OK. That’s not entirely true. The idea flitted through my head briefly as an option to finish school, but I couldn’t justify spending my husband’s income on my education. Not to mention a whole landslide of other reasons. Besides, it was just stuck in my head that I needed to have a full-time job at all times while I was able to work. I’ve never not had a job since I was 12 and down at the neighbor’s dairy feeding calves 6 mornings (including holidays) per week. Plus, I’ve always felt it was important maintain a position where I could take care of myself, should the need arise, after there was this one very formative moment in my previous life when I was informed by my ex-husband that he was not planning to nor interested in being the sole income support for a family. It was his opinion that doing so would be an act of entrapment by me against him, and would shackle him to what he described as a depressing life of responsibility. He furthered his logic by informing me that I made the better income, therefore it was my obligation to work and support the family and not his, ergo, he should be the one to stay home and raise any children that we may have. He sealed his argument by saying that even though the Bible did say that a man who didn’t provide for his family was worse that the worst sinner, it didn’t specify what constituted provide, therefore, if he grew a couple of tomato plants and some green beans in a garden, that would most certainly count as providing. It was after this conversation that I seriously started looking into voluntary hysterectomy. Fortunately, I got divorced instead.
Even now, the plan is that I’ll return to work after the baby comes. Obviously not immediately, but a few months after. And, the offer is on the table that I could stay in the workforce, if I so chose. But, do I so choose? I don’t know. I’m sure the offer would also be on the table to stay at home, if I brough it up. Staying at home, and relying solely on another person to provide income to support a family is an enormous act of faith. It’s declaring unquestioning trust that the other person will still treat you as a fair and equal partner in all decisions, especially financial ones. How hard is it for the man leaving the house for the office to control the attitude of, “I did the work, I earned the money, therefore it is my money.” or, “I did the work, I earned the money for us, therefore it is our money, but I’m going to control it because I did the work….” How hard is for these women to spend the money their husbands earned without feeling fear, or remorse, or concern? This is my quandry, frankly. If I didn’t earn the money, is it still mine to spend? Or, do I have to genuflect and ask permission for every little expenditure?
For now, the decision has been discussed and mutually agreed upon. But, the what-if scenarios do still pop to mind from time to time, and articles like that from CNN certainly force cogitation, however brief.
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Kimm said,
I was a mom who planned to - and did - go back to work after my 12 weeks of maternity leave were done. In the end, my husband and I decided, together, that it really was best for OUR family (everyone’s situation is different) to have one of us at home FT. One year after we became a family of three, we also became a single income household. We readjusted our finaces and made it work. After awhile we started joking that he was working off a $10K surrogate fee to me and that’s why I got to stay at home!! HA, ha! Seriously, it is a good thing that you have choices in this matter and you will soon learn that there is a divide between work-at-home and work-out-of-the-home moms that could just as well be as wide as the Grand Canyon. Now that my daughter is 8 and I’m back in the FT workforce (did PT on my way back) I can see that it was the right choice for us. You’ll find what works well for your family. Again, be happy that you do have choices - there are some who don’t, either through fate or planning. For those women who choose to stay at home FT, without children in the home - Good for them. I’d be willing to make a guess that these are the folks who are more inclined to volunteer at the library or hospital or church. For that I am grateful to their time, talent and supportive husbands.
Virginia Harris said,
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Dan Segalman said,
Yin and I went through grad school together. We had our daughters while living in married student housing. Those were very happy times. I ended up with a graduate degree in engineering an Yin earned a PhD in Nutritional Science. Eventually we learned that there were no research job opportunities in nutritional science. Some years later Yin went back to school and earned another degree - this time in computing. The timing was great. She had a job waiting for her after graduation and I got RIFed from my job. Her first paycheck came about the time of my last one.
Because of our savings and because of her income, we did not have to worry about paying the mortgage or feeding the daughters.
There is a lesson in there somewhere.
E-George said,
That’s an awesome story. I think the lesson there is to stay open and flexible with one’s plans while continuing to pursue a variety of opportunities. That’s what I want to be able to do: Be flexible. Be open. Be vigilant. And, most of all, be patient.
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