Wherein Shit, Crap, and Damn met their hillbilly cousins Hell, Ding-Dang, and Effin

Posted by E-George on January 14, 2010

It’s the lot of every housewife to do the chores that are equally unsavory and unending. By that I mean laundry and, frankly, it that chore that is one of the chief reasons why men get married so they don’t have to do it anymore. Laundry and grocery shopping. Of this I am convinced. I was sure that Matthew believed that his underwear was regenerated by magical underpants gnomes. But, just like when one learns there is no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy (Oh yes I did so just go there), I was compelled to reveal that underpants gnomes aren’t real. And, while I may have busted up a very lovely fantasy – like the one I have where showers aren’t a luxury so much as a routine – the reality was that the laundry had built up to an unbearable level again and needed addressing.

Normally, laundry isn’t a documentation-worthy event, except to say that at some point during the weekend while Evelyn and I were coloring pictures with four carefully selected crayons, half of the blue crayon broke off in my sweater pocket unbeknownst to me. But, apparently fully beknownst to the heating element of the dryer because it zealously distributed that crayon on every piece of clothing swirling in it. I’m sure the dryer was chuckling for DAYS after it watched me open the door and practically vomit from the instant rush of rage that lunged between my cranial lobes. Lucky for me, 95% of the laundry in that load was mine. And, even luckier, 100% of those clothing items were new. As in, only worn once. But, at least now I could say they were worn once and also had blue crayon streaks all over. SHIT!! CRAP!!! DAAAAAAAMN!!!!

My instinct said, “Pretreat! HOLY FASHION CARNAGE, BATMAN! PRETREAT! STAT!! STAT!!” so I got out a paint brush, filled a coffee cup up with laundry detergent and started painting my clothes. Then, it occurred to me that it was crayon I was trying to remove. CRAYON. Aren’t crayons made of wax and the evil souls of payday loan officers and therefore unlikely to come out with simple laundry detergent? Wouldn’t I need some sort of crayon napalm? A magical incantation? An animal sacrifice? Something??? So, I stopped what I was doing and inquired of the almighty Google machine which stated a number of various tricks, including the use of WD-40, Goo Gone, and mineral oil.

The mineral oil fix required that you rub mineral oil into each crayon spot and let sit for a bit. Then, use dish soap (yes, dish soap) and scrub THAT into each of the mineral oil spots and let sit again. Then, take the whole lot and stick it in a warm water laundry cycle with some additional laundry detergent, being sure to use the extra rinse feature at the end. Since half of the laundry was already steeping in laundry detergent, I took the other half and began painstakingly dabbing on mineral oil with a toothbrush and using a second toothbrush to scrub in the laundry soap. It took, you know, like, FOREVER. But, into the wash they eventually went and out they came without nary a crayon mark to be seen, but with grease stains where crayon stains once were.

This problem was ridiculous and seeming to compound in ridiculousness per minute. I needed a pretreater that was cheaper and easier to use than laundry detergent so off I ambled to Costco. I was pushing the cart along listening to Evelyn babble away at total strangers it suddenly dawned on me and that insulting little cartoon lightbulb sitting above my head lit up. The crayon in question was a washable crayon – as in very nearly water soluble. Meaning, the pretreated clothes I hadn’t dealt with yet were probably going to come out cleaner than the ones I had doused in mineral oil. Hell!! DING DANG!! EFF EFF EFF!!

Sure enough, I was right. But, I wasn’t right before I greased up several other pieces of clothes and had to spend yet another hour and small fortune in detergents pretreating THOSE items again to run through the washing machine AGAIN. Our water bill is going to be outrageous. The moral of the story is this:

When crayon gets into your dryer and sets upon your clothes with the fury of a cornered badger don’t let rage obfuscate the obvious solution: Pretreater, warm water, rinse and repeat.

Or, better still, if you have the economic fortitude, go buy new clothes.

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